American Sign Language. Hands so down. And I’ve taken a
dance class where we wipe our partner’s worries off of their bodies and then
stomp on them. (It didn’t work. I think my partner felt violated and it gave
her another worry.)
Please remember
throughout these stories that ASL classes are silent, no talking is
allowed—only signing, so every little noise is amplified. And uncomfortable
situations cannot be easily explained.
...One time when my deaf teacher was
describing magpies (the kind of bird) to us. A girl in my class raised her hand
and asked, “What kind of sound do they make?” Void of emotion, my teacher said, “I don’t know. I can’t hear.” Really, of all the questions you could've asked... I'm pretty sure I saw her neck veins enlarge as all her
blood rushed its way to her face. Nice one, Julie.
...One
time I said the prayer and I forgot to close my eyes. The class has to keep
their eyes open to watch me sign. But the person saying the prayer is
definitely still supposed to close theirs. I just stared at them the entire
time, watching them watch me. Awkward. I realized right when I sat down. Dang
it Tamara.
...One time we were learning about
different sicknesses and ailments. The teacher would show us the sign and then we’d each
have to say how we fix that ailment. He showed us the sign for hiccups, then we
went around the room saying how we each get rid of the hiccups. I signed, “I
drink milk upside-down.” Then I showed how I do it, with opposite side of the
cup next to my mouth and my head turned upside-down. (It really works, trust
me.) The class looked at me kind of strange but didn’t say anything. I
thought, ‘Well yea, I guess it is a little weird.’ Then after a couple more
people signed how they get rid of the hiccups, I realized something. I turned
to my friend Liz and said, “Did I just say that I drink poop upside-down?” She
said, “YES!” I immediately raised my hand and clarified that I do not in fact drink poop
upside-down when I have the hiccups. Milk. Definitely milk. Not only did I tell the class I
drink poop upside-down, but I then proceeded to show them how I do it. And
nobody questioned it.
...One time
we had to describe a picture of a person (using no voice) to the class and they
had to draw it in their notes. As I was describing the large lips, I puffed my
lips out and the most accurate fart sound slipped right out of my mouth. It was one of
those “prrt?” ones that seems to ask a question. It was lengthy. It was loud.
The whole class erupted in the kind of laughter that is being forced out of
your body and you have no say in the matter. The teacher, being deaf, signed to
the class, “Why laughing?” As I watched what each one of them signed, I
realized my class thought that sound had come from my butt. All I could do was
make that face where nothing moves except for your eyes grow three time their
original size. Ya know, one of these:
I don’t blame them for thinking it was authentic. The sound was flawless. Now, this was one of my first ASL classes, so I
didn’t have the vocabulary to explain that the sound came out of my mouth when
I was trying to show that my person had big lips. I know, I could’ve
aggressively pointed to my lips and turned around and crossed out my butt. I
decided to own this one though. I walked back to my seat smiling, because if I
could’ve chosen a fart to do in front of my class, it would’ve been that one.
...One
time the class got up and stood in a circle to play a game. I hadn’t been
watching the teacher sign the directions, so I figured I’d pick up on it and
follow along. The girl next to me went first (oh crap, I’m next). She made an
imaginary football with her hands and threw it across the room. Ohh, okay I’ve
played a game like this. We take turns making something with our hands and then
someone guesses what it is and then it’s their turn. I got this. I do the sign for football,
then I make an imaginary flower and hold it and smell it. Nice. Well played,
Tamara. The class looks at me with confusion and pity. After a few long seconds of this discomfort, one guy (without guessing my flower) makes an
imaginary Frisbee and tosses it across the room. Another guy catches it and
makes an imaginary baseball and throws it across the room. A girl catches it
and makes an imaginary volleyball and throws it across the room. ...Oh my. I made
a flower and smelled it. And held it there like a dang idiot. She didn’t even
throw the football to me! IT WASN’T MY TURN AND I SMELLED A FLOWER!
...One
time I burped. The loud kind that rumbles for awhile.
